


Worthy

by Rubyhunny



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, M/M, Not A Happy Ending, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-09-28
Packaged: 2018-02-19 01:26:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2369324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rubyhunny/pseuds/Rubyhunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes love isn't enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worthy

**Author's Note:**

> This has been posted for years over on ff.net. I'm just moving things over. Be warned there is angst here. Tons of it. There are mentions of PTSD from Hotch after Haley's death and insecure thoughts from Reid. Reid is also afraid of mental illness and that manifests here so if any of that triggers you please turn around. There is no happy ending here.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

1.

He's thought long and hard about it, he doesn't want the 2.5 kids, house in the suburbs, white picket fence American dream. That's not in the cards for him and he knows it. He'd never be any good at it. He's like Rossi and Max Ryan in that regard. He doesn't know if he could ever walk away from the job and still like himself; and Lord knows the job isn't compatible with the white picket fence dream.

He can still remember the first time he read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, he was four and it took him a little over three hours but afterwards his mother looked at him with such pride and smiled and said, "Oh the things you'll be able to do with that mind of yours, the people you'll be able to help." She of course, meant in academia, but regardless the concept still stands, the words still play themselves over and over in his head whenever he does think about leaving the job for a more normal life. Who knows how long he'll be in control of his mind? It's his duty to use his intellect to help others for as long as he can. Maybe, just maybe, despite the fact he doesn't really believe it works this way, he'll earn the right to keep control of his mind for a little while longer if he uses it for good. So, no, he can't leave the job.

Still, even knowing what he does. Knowing that he could never leave the job. Knowing he'd never want children. Knowing he isn't built for relationships and all they entail; he wants love.

He's spent a lot of time thinking about it, trying to figure out why it's so important to him considering he doesn't want the white picket fence dream; doesn't want what a relationship brings.

In his estimation it's not so much what accompanies love, but the act of falling in love itself. He wants to know what it feels like to fall in love. He wants to know what it feels like to want to be around that person all the time. He wants to know what it feels like to have someone fall in love with him; to have someone love him just how he is, flaws, and quirks, and awkward moments and all.

But most of all he wants to know that he's capable of feeling love, that he's worthy of being loved in return.

2.

He knows he isn't worthy of love. He knows it like he knows his own name. He messed up, he got her killed. Because of him Jack has no mother. Because of him Jack probably won't remember her when he's older. Because of him Haley's dead. He doesn't deserve the love of his son. He doesn't deserve the love of his team.

Sometimes late at night, when Jack's sound asleep and the locks have been quadruple checked, he lays in his bed and stares at the light flooding in under the door and he thinks about just how unworthy he is. He thinks about all the ways Jack would be better off if he and Haley switched places, if Foyet had killed him instead.

He knows he doesn't deserve the hugs Jack gives him, or the look of trust in his eyes. He knows he doesn't deserve his team's undying loyalty. He knows that one day he'll probably get one of them killed too. He knows deep down, under the walls he built up that he doesn't deserve to be cared for.

But he can't help but want it anyways.

3.

Reid very gently kisses Hotch's cheeks, kisses away the single tear that escapes him. His hands are on Hotch's biceps, holding him still. Hotch isn't making eye contact, he's starring at his own shoes. He's shaking lightly as Reid moves his hands under the lapel of his sport coat smoothing his hands over Hotch's chest as he strips him of the jacket.

Reid is slow and sure of himself as the jacket hits the floor and his hands move back around to untuck Hotch's stark white shirt. Reid stares at Hotch until he lifts his face. Once they lock eyes another tear escapes Hotch's left eye. Reid sucks in a deep breath and moves to unbutton his lover's shirt. He moves swiftly, ridding Hotch of his dress shirt as well as his undershirt in less than thirty seconds. He gently but sternly pushes Hotch to the side of the bed until the backs of his knees hit the mattress. Reid then places a gentle pressure on Hotch's shoulder to signal him to sit down.

Hotch follows Reid's unspoken instructions instinctually as Reid pushes him back into the mattress and makes quick work of his shoes and socks before reaching for his belt buckle. The next few moments are a blur as his lifts his hips for Reid to pull his pants and boxers off and Reid settles down in front of him, on his knees and between his legs.

Reid sucks in a deep breath before he leans forward and takes Hotch into his mouth. He takes his time, running his tongue over the vein in Hotch's length. He moves his head up and down, allowing his teeth to just barely touch, in the way he knows Hotch likes. He allows Hotch to thrust into his mouth a few times before he moves his left hand to hold Hotch's hips down and his right hand to the base of Hotch's length. He pulls away after a moment and places one last lick to Hotch's sack before he stands up.

Hotch watches through veiled eyes as Reid quickly strips himself of his clothing and pulls a condom and tube of lube from his pocket. By the time Reid makes his way back to Hotch he's already wearing the condom and he's already got the lube open. Hotch sucks in a deep breath as Reid presses a lube covered finger inside him, stretching him. Soon enough Reid's got two fingers inside of him, and then three. The next few second are a haze of kisses as Reid enters him.

Reid's lips never leave Hotch's body as he moves inside of him, slowly, methodically, as if he's memorizing every inch of the other man. It's slow and it's sensual, and they both hold out as long as they can. But everything must come to an end and it's not long enough before Hotch's essence is cooling on their stomachs and Reid is pressing into him one last time. One single tear escapes Reid's eye as he pulls out of Hotch, redresses himself and leaves without a word.

4.

Hotch lays in bed long after Reid's left, still naked, still in the same spot, breathing in the scent of Reid on his pillow and starring at the closed door. He knows this is his fault. He knows he could have made it work. He knows that he shouldn't want things he doesn't deserve.

He knows that Reid left because Hotch isn't good enough for someone like Reid.

He's glad Reid made the choice for him because he's not sure he could have made it himself. He's not sure he could have chosen right. Not because he doesn't love his son, but rather because he loves Jack so much, and because a part of him truly believes Jack would be better off without him.

But Haley's not here anymore and even he knows that a lousy Dad is better than no parent at all.

5.

As Reid closes the door to Hotch's house and makes his way home he can't help but think he's made the right decision. He knows what it feels like to fall in love and to have someone fall in love with him.

But more than ever he knows that he's not cut out for the white picket fence dream. He'll never be able to handle Jack and Jack'll never like him, and someday Hotch will realize that this is for the best. He'll find someone worthy of him and he'll get that white picket fence dream. And that someone will be good enough for Jack. And that someone will be far better than Reid could ever be.

A/N: Yeah I have no idea where that came from.


End file.
